


Beware the Sparkles

by elisi



Category: Torchwood, Twilight - Meyer
Genre: Crack, Crossover, Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-11-27
Updated: 2009-11-27
Packaged: 2017-10-03 20:50:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,693
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22081
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/elisi/pseuds/elisi
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's terribly simple. The good guys are always stalwart and true, the bad guys are easily distinguished by their pointy horns or black hats, and we always defeat them and save the day. No one ever dies, and everybody lives happily ever after. Oh and Jack has sex with sparkly vampires.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Beware the Sparkles

_It's a cool summer's evening in Leicester Square, London. Tourists are milling around in the way they do. There is also a certain former Time Agent and current Torchwood Boss, who - having finished his London-mission early - is hanging out watching the tourists. Then he spots a particularly gorgeous couple..._

Jack: Hel-_lo_! So, tell me, what are you two? See my clever wrist strap here informs me that you're kinda cool and marble-like and without heart beats, so are you aliens - possibly with some mutated version of Petrifold Regression, or - I dunno - vampires?

Edward (coldly and taken aback): Vampires. I am Edward Cullen and this is my wife Bella. Who are _you_?

Jack: Captain Jack Harkness. Pleasure to meet you. What are you doing in London?

Bella: We decided to come here for our 2nd honeymoon while our 7 year old daughter is arranging her wedding to my best friend whom I almost married myself.

Jack: O...kay. That is creepy as hell. But I'm an open-minded kinda guy and you two are quite the prettiest creatures I've seen in a long while. Also I've never slept with vampires, so what do you say that we get ourselves a hotel room and have some threesome fun before I have to skedaddle back to Cardiff tomorrow?

Edward (through clenched teeth): How dare you insinuate such foulness? No one shall touch my wife beside myself! (Even though I did offer to let her best friend boink her so she could have some puppies, but that's beside the point.) I did not keep myself pure for a century, waiting for her, just to have some random human insult us like this!

Jack (boggles): _You didn't have sex for a hundred years? **Voluntarily**?_

Edward: There was no one tempting enough until I met my wondrous Bella. And whilst your scent _is_ intriguing - it is quite frankly impossible for us to be intimate with you, human. We are much too strong and would probably kill you.

Jack (smirks, lifts eyebrow): Try me! I'm immortal and... _very_ experienced in every way imaginable. What do you say?

Bella (beginning to be interested, and thinking that Jack is rather pretty): But you don't sparkle.

Jack: Honey - I don't _need_ to sparkle! ... Wait - you _sparkle_?

[A little later, in Torchwood Cardiff.]

Ianto (on the phone): Just let me get this straight Jack - you called to ask if I would mind if you have group sex with sparkly vampires... [slowly drags hand across face] Well as long as you never _ever_ mention it again, understood? And you have to take a drug test as soon as you come back!

Jack (delighted): You're the best boyfriend ever!

Ianto (sighs deeply): Please do not use that word. Goodbye. [puts phone down, thinks for a moment] Gwen - fancy going out? I think I need to get very, very drunk tonight.

 

** _A few weeks later._ **

Jack (nervously): Ianto... you know when you told me never, ever to talk about the sparkly vampires?

Ianto (goes very, very still): ...Yes?

Jack: I... (takes deep breath) I think they made me pregnant.

Ianto: *headdesk*

[A little while later]

Gwen: I know it's not April Fools Day, but this is a joke, right?

Ianto: 'Fraid not. (shoots Jack pointed look) Hopefully we have _learned something_ from all this?

Jack: But they were so beautiful and they _sparkled_! A threesome like that you just _can't_ turn down! Seriously.

Ianto (looks up at ceiling to gather strength): So - do we try the singularity scalpel? Worked on Gwen...

Jack: What? You're going to *explode* my baby?

Gwen: Really Ianto - Owen was the only one who could get that thing to work properly. (slowly) Rhys had a chain saw...

Jack (adamant): _No one_ is going near me with a chain saw _ever_ again - and that's an order!

Ianto: Again?

Jack (ignores Ianto): Maybe we should try to actually have a look at the critter. (winces) Damn, it kicks.

[A little later still, in the medical bay. Ianto's working the ultrasound scanner.]

Ianto: Well... it's a boy.

Jack (thrilled): Really?

Gwen: Should we maybe call the father? I mean the other father? He might have some information about... this sort of situation.

Jack (pondering): They _did_ mention that they had a daughter, but I figured it was a vampire thing. (sighs) Fine, let's call them. Ianto - look up the number for 'Edward Cullen'. They'll be back in America now I suppose.

[A little later again they're all three in front of the screens. Their call is answered immediately by a beautiful young woman]

Alice: Hello - I'm Alice. I knew you would call.

Jack (eyes lighting up): Well hello to you _too_, Alice. Have you ever thought of visiting England?

Ianto (eyes on Alice and voice slightly unfocussed): Jack - remember why you called. It's no good getting... distracted...

Jack: Um... yes. Can I speak to Edward please?

Alice (amusement dancing in her eyes): Absolutely.

[They wait a moment as Alice flutters off, finding her brother, and then he arrives with Bella, their hands entwined. When they see Jack's face, both startle.]

Ianto &amp; Gwen (mesmerised): _Oh._

[Jack shoots them a very poignant '_Now_ do you get it?' look. They nod in unison and keep staring at the ethereally beautiful vampires.]

Edward (trying to smile): Jack... how wonderful of you to call. What can we do for you?

Jack (laughs a little nervously): Well... I bring you glad tidings of the human-vampire-hybrid bouncy baby boy variety."

Edward (drops jaw): _What?_

Jack: That's what I said too - thought you vampire types were sterile or whatever. But hey - _something's_ alive and kicking - very painfully I might add - inside me.

Edward: But... but you're male!

Ianto (tearing himself out of his thrall): We know that. However, Jack is *special*! Can you give us any information about what we might expect? Has it happened before?

[Edward nods and then describes Bella's pregnancy and 'birth' in great detail, Jack growing more and more pale as the tale unfolds.]

Ianto (shoots Jack sideways look): Singularity scalpel?

Jack (swallows): No... no, I've been through worse. What we need are _a lot_ of anaesthetics and an extremely powerful cutting implement... maybe a laser?

Ianto: Wouldn't a particle gun would be more precise?

Gwen (eyes narrowing): What about that sonic tool that came through the rift last year?

Jack: Now _that's_ an idea - if I can fix that, it'd be perfect.

[Edward and Bella have watched this conversation with growing worry and disbelief.]

Edward: Um, if I could...

Jack: Don't worry. This is pretty much our job, we'll work something out. Anything I should know about the baby after it's born - like, will it try to kill us all?

Bella (wide-eyed and dreamy): Oh no...

[She launches into a long monologue, describing all of Renesmee's amazing qualities, as the Torchwood personnel's eyes slowly glaze over.]

Jack: Thank you... Ianto - did you get any of that?

Ianto (looks up from the pad where he'd been taking notes): Yes. The child needs blood for sustenance pre-and post-birth. It has supernatural strength and accelerated growth, is self-aware, gifted, intelligent and possibly telepathic. (looks at screen) I think that was all?

[Bella nods, a little put out]

Gwen: Excuse me, but _what_ is your girl's name?

Bella: Renesmee - our mothers' names are Rene and Esmee, so we combined them. It was my idea!

Gwen: Right... (shoots Ianto a look and says, sotto voce) _So_ Peter and Jordan!

[Ianto nods]

Bella (lighting up): Maybe we could do the same thing again? Edward's father is called Carlisle - he's a wonderful, wonderful man, so caring. He's a doctor, you see, and works tirelessly, even though he really doesn't need to since we Cullens of course have more money than we know what to do with... Jack - what's your father's name?

Jack (somewhat grimly): Franklin. He was murdered by a marauding alien army when I was eight, and I will be quite capable of naming my baby on my own, thank you. Will send you a photo - or maybe a video - once it's arrived, OK?

[Ianto and Gwen are speechless at this point, having found out more about Jack in three seconds than they usually do in a year.]

Edward (takes deep breath, looking determined): This child - despite being born out of wedlock - will still be a Cullen, and therefore should be with his true family. We will come when the birth is imminent and then bring him home. I'm afraid that we couldn't possibly leave in him _your_ care.

Ianto (smiling pleasantly and replying before Jack finds his voice): I think you will find that this boy is a _Harkness_ \- and trust me, you don't want to ague that point. Furthermore, as a non-human life form he will, by law, be under the jurisdiction of Torchwood.

Gwen (smirking): If you have a problem with that, please direct your queries to Number 10, Downing Street, or Buckingham Palace. Goodbye.

[She ends the call as Bella and Edward are still staring mutely at the screen. Jack laughs and pulls Ianto and Gwen into a big hug.]

Gwen: Um... Jack? I don't think your hand should be where it is...

Jack (innocently): Oh - must be the hormones.

Ianto (straightens clothing): So... how would you like your blood, sir? We have both human and animal, and I'm thinking it might be more palatable at room temperature rather than cold.

Jack (buries head in hands and groans): At least it can't be worse than cold, mashed swede... (looks up and catches Ianto's eyes) Oh and you can stop enjoying yourself so much! I'm putting _your_ name down as co-guardian of this kid, since children need a stable 2-or-more parent family. As soon as possible we're getting hitched!

Ianto (taken aback, but determined not to show it): You know, I always dreamed of a shot-gun wedding.

Gwen (thoughtfully twirling a strand of hair around a finger): What _are_ you going to call the baby? I think we should name him after you two... How about Janto?

Jack and Ianto: No!

 

** _Some months later._ **

[A screen switches itself on and the Doctor's face appears.]

Doctor: Hello?

Jack: Doctor! I'm so glad you called - I have big news!

Doctor: Actually, I was wondering if you could-

Jack: Seriously - saving the world - or whatever it is - can wait a moment. (turns and looks up) Hey - can you come down here boy? It's the Doctor!

[Moments later Myfanwy makes a smooth landing and a devastatingly beautiful small child, with bright blue eyes and curly black hair, runs up to Jack, who picks him up.]

Jack: Doctor - please meet my son.

Boy (solemnly): It's a great honour to finally see you, sir. Dad's been telling me all about you.

Doctor: Um- thank you. (looks worried) Did I mess up the navigation again? I meant to arrive only a few months after last time. But... Congratulations I guess - how old is he?

Jack: Three months!

Doctor: Excuse me?

Jack: He's half-vampire. Accelerated growth and so on. Nigh-indestructible. The perfect child for Torchwood to be honest.

Doctor: _Fascinating!_ I wonder... (catches himself) I mean, what's his name?

Jack (smiles a little bashfully): I... named him after you.

Doctor (not amused): No really?

Jack: Really! His grandfather on the other side is a doctor too, so...

[The Doctor becomes rather incoherent and flustered, Jack beams, and then they save the world.]

 

** _Two months later._ **

[Torchwood Cardiff, the Tourist Office. Ianto is sitting at the counter, reading a magazine, when the door opens to reveal the _other_ rogue ex-Time Agent.]

Captain John (all swagger, innuendo and casual threats yadda yadda): "Eyecandy! How're you doing?"

Ianto (glances up placidly): "Oh look, it's the psychopath. You know, you might just want to turn around and walk back out - there's nothing for you here.

John (drolly lifts eyebrow): "Is that so?"

[Ianto holds up his left hand showing off his wedding ring.]

Ianto (smiling a tiny, but *triumphant* smile): "He's _my_ wife now!"

John (stunned): "No. Fucking. Way!"

Ianto (pleasantly): "Oh very much way. It was a lovely little ceremony - we would have invited you, but a) We didn't know how to get hold of you, and b) We didn't want half the guests killed or sexually assaulted."

John (eyes narrowing): "I don't buy it - I know Jack, and he is not now, never has been, and never will be the committing type."

Ianto (very lightly): "Things change. He got knocked up by a vampire and decided that he needed some stability in his life - you know, someone to take care of things while he minded the baby."

[John views him with 'bullshit' written all over his face. Ianto smiles, and gets up to open the door.]

Ianto: "Go find him yourself - he's down in the shooting range, teaching the kid how to handle firearms."

John (very slowly and not a little dangerously): "So - in the half year that's passed since I was here last, Jack got impregnated by a vampire-"

Ianto (interrupts politely): "A _sparkly_ vampire!"

John (continues as before, if a little more incredulous): "-got impregnated by a sparkly vampire, had a baby, married you and is now teaching said kid to shoot... (he tilts his head) You are a very funny man, Ianto Jones."

Ianto (completely straight faced): "Thank you, that's nice to hear. So far Reader's Digest does not share your opinion."

[John has no clue what Ianto is on about, and takes a step towards the door. Ianto stops him with a hand on his arm.]

Ianto (suddenly deadly serious): "Just one thing. If you so much as _look_ at the boy wrong, I'll personally bleed you dry and feed you to him for breakfast, understood? (steps back, smiling) Enjoy your stay."

[John opens his mouth, shuts it again and, after a long, uncertain look at Ianto, walks through the roll-door. Ianto picks up his magazine and settles down to read again, whistling softly to himself.]

***

  
_The child grew up to be a most extraordinary man. His eyes were deep and blue like the ocean - the colour seeming to endlessly change and shift, but still containing a calm stillness that seemed as old and steady as the earth itself. His hair was raven black and fell to his shoulders in smooth waves, as soft as the fur of a baby rabbit, perfectly framing the pale and startling beauty of his unworldly, noble countenance. _

But - as his friends and family often pointed out - his outer beauty was only a pale reflection of his inner beauty. Because he was blessed with a quite extraordinary gift: The healing of mental pain and scars. Slowly, as his gift grew and he learned how to control and use it, he was able to aide people... and as time went, Flatholm once more became just an island, its dark secret no more, as the victims of the rift could return home to be cared for by their families.

And then came the day when he used his talents to heal his uncle Gray. There were tears of joy and happiness as the two brothers finally embraced in love and forgiveness, untold years of grief washed away in a moment. Gray easily settled into 21st Century life, and after becoming a Social Worker married Tish Jones. Their home is always full of laugher and joy, the pain vanished from their lives - leaving them older and wiser, but grateful for the gifts they've been given.

Doctor Jr is of course a great asset to Torchwood, his strength and speed invaluable when dealing with dangerous aliens. But what he loves most of all is sunshine. On days when the town and bay are bathed in warm rays, he - having inherited many qualities from his human father - will often climb to the top of the tallest buildings in Cardiff, where he will shed his clothing and feel the power and heat of the sun tingling and radiating through and around him.

And on such days the residents of the town often wonder at how it seems like the very air around them seems to glitter and glimmer - as if the sunlight were suffused with rainbow sparkles.

THE END.

**Author's Note:**

> 1) I have never read any of S. Meyer's books, deriving all my knowledge from reviews/summaries. 'Breaking Dawn' still managed to traumatise me.
> 
> 2) The 'He's my wife now', is of course a shout-out to the Jack/John 'You were the wife'/'No, you were the wife' argument in the bar. However, Ianto is also (much to his own amusement) referencing [this clip](http://ie.youtube.com/watch?v=a27zbNyf3x4) from The League of Gentlemen. This is an *utterly* surreal and freaky show, and there is _no way_ that Ianto does not know and love it!
> 
> 3) The Ianto of this story regularly sends Reader's Digest a selection of Jack's filthiest (and funniest) stories. He keeps all their polite and awkward rejection letters in a special folder, and has a bet on with Gwen about how long it'll be before they lose their patience and tell him to fuck off.


End file.
